A Short Short Oneshort involving the Spy
by Elred Bluegreen
Summary: Spy's marvelous misadventures behind enemy lines!


Author's note: If you haven't already, check out my OTHER SSOSI stories first! (Sniper, Medic, Engineer) And don't forget to review with impunity!

3:27AM

The Frenchman's blue sleeve, black glove, and gold-plated Cloak and Dagger watch faded from view as he settled into the corner to wait by the spawn room. He only expected to be there for a few minutes before the RED team began the newest chapter in the never-ending corporate battle. Fortunately, his job had long since taught him patience, and he had been a patient fellow in the first place.

And so his day began on a positive note.

4:09AM

"Packin' up!" With this, the Engineer that had been preparing his Dispenser for the past few minutes slammed the storage box with his wrench, hiking the unit onto his shoulder as it finished folding. Smiling sadistically, Spy unfolded his knife and crept forward for the kill, when the battle cry of his most hated enemy sent chills down his spine.

"Hudda hudda hu!" Two pyromaniacs, sheathed in their asbestos suits and gas masks, emerged from the room, puffing out flames as they went, while the Engineer ran out of sight. One of them tapped his comrade on the shoulder and pointed toward the sniper deck.

"Mph phuh phef!" He ordered, "Pheh phuh phi!"

Both of them chuckled menacingly, and split up, spychecking even as they did so.

"Ugh. What are the chances of that?" Spy hissed, but quickly regained his composure and resumed waiting.

4:23AM

He didn't have to wait much longer. The first shots fired were always .300 Magnum, 7.8x67mm cartridges from a customized Australian hunting rifle, and as the opening blast resounded, he knew that his first catch of the day was practically, if not totally in the bag.

Slowly, carefully, he approached the battlements to find the Sniper casually picking off BLU operators who had the misfortune of thinking they could wake up earlier than him.

"Aww, yer all breaking my heart!" He mumbled in a somber voice, closing the bolt on another round, "I used to love this job back when it was a CHALLENGE. Hehe." BANG! "Yer 'ead's the size of Melbourne." BANG! "That's a big rocket launcher, you bloody wannabe. Ya sure yer not compensatin' for somethin', there?" BANG! "Guess we'll never know, eh?"

Unfortunately, as much as he wanted to, Spy couldn't claim his victim, for one very important reason... the aboriginal shield with the car battery taped to it. Not feeling like he needed a ten thousand volt vintage to start his day, he decided to scrap this kill and return to his corner.

7:12AM

It just wasn't looking up. Spy's stomach started to rumble ungratefully, despite his rich, albeit early breakfast. Soon after, it started to hurt, and by this time, he couldn't take it any more.

"MEDIIIC!" The gargantuan Russian bellowed as he emerged from the respawn zone. "DOCTOR! I AM READY FOR KILLING COWARDS!"

"Perfect." Spy's stomach directed his actions. He snapped on his RED Medic mask, uncloaked, and made his move.

"Ja! Gutten Morgen, Kamerad!" He said, convincingly, but quickly and concisely. "Let's move!"

"BABIES WILL FEAR U-?" The Heavy turned around too soon for his own good. The butterfly knife found its mark in the back of his neck, and he dropped wordlessly to the ground.

A quick frisk turned up a sandvich, wrapped neatly in plastic.

As Spy finished his impromptu meal in the corner, he saw the Medic and Heavy emerge from the respawn room again, and the look on the Russian's face highlighted Spy's whole day.

9:47AM

A few opportune kills had presented themselves, and Spy's day had picked up enormously. He was about to move on the Engineer again when he heard a strange noise coming from the intelligence room hallway.

"Bah, killing these useless pawns can wait." He said, moving carefully through the vault door and into the top-secret area. He heard that noise again, a strange, splatter-thump sound that softly echoed from the bottom floor of the base. Come to think of it, none of the REDs had even used the spiral, handicap-accessible hallway yet.

"Curious... who could be making that infernal noise?"

Immediately in answer, an unnatural, strangled, choking scream nearly pierced his ears. The splat-thump quickened dramatically, and now seemed to be coming closer. As Spy looked around the corner, he caught perfect sight of a mutilated man, seemingly composed entirely of assorted corpse limbs, including half the head of a Scout and half of a Soldier, charging toward him at a horrifying pace, leaking three or four kinds of blood as he advanced. Its voice was now explained—it must be roaring through two different sets of vocal cords, sewn together!

First hunger had driven him, and now sheer terror took control, and he ducked out of the way as the thing slammed into the wall, leaving another blood splatter, and running after Spy with some sort of primal blood lust. Fortunately, the Engineer that Spy was just observing heard the commotion and looked in.

"Now what in Sam Hill is-" He began. Spy hit his cloak and pressed himself against the wall, letting the meat man change his course to target the very, very unfortunate Texan.

"Aw, shucks." The Engineer mumbled, before being set upon.

10:13AM

"Back so soon?"

Spy walked right past Dell, falling against the dispenser, holding his head and shaking it side to side. "I don't even want to talk about it." He groaned.


End file.
